Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
