im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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