we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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