If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
