Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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