I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
