Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
