I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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