I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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