I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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