meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
