Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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