and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
