i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
