Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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