hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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