How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
