i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
