No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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