i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
