Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
