Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
