Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
