Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
