I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Quick, to the slutcave!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
