If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
