Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
