i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
