i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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