My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
