Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
