Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
