Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize