3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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