the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
