would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
