Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
