thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize