God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
