i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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