I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
