Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
