apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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