The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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