That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
