So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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