my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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