on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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