Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What drink are we having for lunch?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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