mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
