Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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