Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
