3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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