What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
