Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
