My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
