He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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