my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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