does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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