I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
3pm strippers are depressing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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